I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
