Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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