Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
