I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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