Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
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This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
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Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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