My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She tied me up with her honor cords...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
