dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
