the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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