I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
