the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
