Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
