woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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