I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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