If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
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Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
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Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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