Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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