I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
