He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize