Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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