lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
