Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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