I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
