My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
