dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
