what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
