dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Drunk is a universal language darling
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
