my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
