I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
