I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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