I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
