my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
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Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
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In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...