I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
