The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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