Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
