I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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