I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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