Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
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