explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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