Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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