I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
