guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
