Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
