I showed him my bush... on skype.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
