When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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