why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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