watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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