As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Randomize
