man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
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I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
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Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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