Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
