You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
