Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
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Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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