Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
