Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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