Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
