Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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