After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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