I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
