I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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