so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
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Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
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Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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