What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
