My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
