i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
