Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
